Been coupped up in thehouse too much. Its getting warmer and I can’t let my job dictate my life anymore. There use to be times where I would be up and sometimes up in the streets til 3 or 4 in the morning and had to be at work at 7:30am. I’ve never been too social but sit, I wasn’t dead either. I need to be out his weekend. I need to get my life back.

Last weekend my car was stolen, and I havent been too upset about, shit… I can’t be upset. If I get too stressed out, my immune system will get weak and I get sick, and with an open head wound and shit I can’t afford that.

So I’ve been real nonchalant about my car. I figured I be making payments on it for another year, even with it gone (so fucking hood-rich). Anyway, props to the Hammond Indiana police department cuz they found my shit in bout a day. It was actually around the fucking corner up on Stateline road but on the Illinois side. Since it was technically in a another state, a towing company in Illinois copped my shit and is pretty much holding my car for ransom. Like it was my fault my car was stolen and abandoned in streets. Now I go scramble for cash to get my car… Ain’t that the most jankiest shit you every heard of. Its like I found somebody’s wallet and I won’t give it back until they pay me for it… and I’m charging 1000% interest. No wonder people fucking steal.

Been too somber, too pissed off, too depress later so here a little brief story that I’ve been keepin since I got outta the hospital earlier this month.

Back when I had my accident, the neurologist had me stay overnight at the hospital, just for some observations and what not. Now cuz I head a head injury, the nurses and doctors kept me up all night. My room didn’t have cable tv, just some basic CBS, NBC ABC, FOX shit. Every two hours the nurse came to give me this IV shit… the IV was in the back of hand and my whole arm was numb. Now I’m the type that if I’m told to work, I’m tired but if I’m told to lay down, I wanna walk around and a nigga was tired of sitting on my ass not doing anything especially if I couldn’t sleep. But I guess even if I could sleep, the the hospital bed was hard as a bunch of bricks and I sleep on my stomach and that shit wasnt happening.

Anyway… long story short, I finally get to sleep around 5:30-6am after watching A Mad MAd Mad World and some National IQ shit on Fox and I get to dreaming bout a threesome with these two ultra chocolate sistas. I’m hitting ‘em both up in my dad and step-mom’s living room cirrca 1996. With the oversize grey couchs and shit, now they have green chairs and blue carpet, anyway. I’m eating some ‘na-na’ on one, feelin on the other. It was a nice ass dream specially since never dream bout a 3some with 2 females. But to wrap this up… I was up in REM sleep and I happen to turn over and there’s a priest standing right over me. I woke up feeling so guilty that I’m bout to have a wet dream up in the hospital wit a major head injury, and there’s a priest standing over me asking the name of my home church. I’m rolling around to get back to my stomach to hide my hard-on and only church I can think of is one I have been to in almost 4 years and not to church I was just at and was bout to join. But I guess hindsight is 20/20. And for the record… I am going to hell.

If one more person says, “You’re so lucky” or “It could have been worse” I’mma fucking crush their muh fucking skull. This has just been such a bad time for me I can’t even put it into words. I’m tired of describing my accident, I’m still having bad dreams about it, I’m can’t feign smiling anymore, its just so fucking fake. I want retribution but I know I’ll be getting none.

I’m trying to be positive, I was uploading my cds to the new hard drive I got and the Destiny’s Child song Happy Face came on. The lyrics made me think that maybe shit is getting better, then I get up Sunday morning and my car is fucking gone. Nothing left but oil spots in my driveway. And at 4:45am that song had no fucking meaning to me. There was no sunshine, there was no Happy Face. Good thing I got some comfortable shoes

…Like I needed another hole in my head. I dont have much to say other then things are fucked up for me now. I woke up and when to my front door, like I do most Sunday mornings. Standing around sratchng my balls and shit and I look to my driveway and I see nothing but my oil spots. Somebody has stole my car. I am just too fucking through right now. If its isn’t one thing, its sure as hell another. I never get a fucking break in life.

Life is funny sometimes, I’ve always complained bout not getting enough time to sit down and enjoy my life, to sleep and rest, to be healthy. I almost lost all that and realize that I need to recuperate so I be ready to get want I need done. But I don’t think that gonna happen. Its been almost a week since my accident and I’m due to have my stitches out tomorrow, But I’ve done so much and I don’t think that been weel enough to do it all.

On Monday I saw a really bad doctor, I mean like “Dr. Nick” on the Simpsons bad. Now, I’ve already seen my doctor and I have a specialist too, a neurologist. But my job said that I had to see this doctor, pretty much negating anything and everything my other two doctors have said and done. First I have to wait about 2 hours to see him, 2 hours and he only spent 5 minutes with me. I told what my other doctors said and all I get is a “Uh-huh” I ask him about my eyes getting real swollen 2 days after the fact. I asked him bout my fractured skull and he brushes me off. The only thing helpful was that he gave me new bandages which I had to ask for. He was trying to get just to wear a hat and not worry bout getting dirt or anything in my wounds. He seemed so annoying that I asked for anything. He wrapped my bandages too tight, so tight I could barely blink. I had to sneak to the restroom to unwrap it all and redo it. And to top it off the fool hit me in my head, I haven’t had headaches that bad until he did that.

Now the headaches won’t stop, I’m on Tylenol 3, taking a bunch a day and he sent me back to work on Tuesday. I know I’m not a doctor nor do I know medicine but the last thing anyone with a fractured skull should be doing 3 days after the accident is working. But now I have no choice, since he cleared me to work, and told my job of this, I have to go or I’m fired. Indiana law for ya. So I’ve been neglecting my health for money and I feel so cheap and hoe-like becuase of it. I resent my job and I sit here wondering way can’t I seek justice.

I don’t know if I can ever go back to the way I was before. I finally stop seeing the accident in my head. I was at a point were I wouldnt close my eyes unless I was asleep. But now I don’t think I could go to that place where the accident happened. I think that I’m afraid on it. I know it sounds silly and shit but when I think about the machine I think that “this thing almost killed me” and how can I function right around that?

This maybe my last post for sometime… I had a real bad accident at work on Friday and I’m really fucked up. I had a fractured skull and 13 stitches. Luckily there was no internal swelling and no brain damage. I thank HIM everyday, and I never will for my safety.

There was a point where I had this machine on my head, I thought I was gonna die. I think I cried for an hour when I realized that there is much I need to say, especially to my dad and step-mom. Anyway if folks wanna drop me a line, please feel free to do so, I’ll still be on iChat. Not to sound all gay and shit but mad love to y’all

This down time shit is starting to piss me off. Its up for one minute and then down for the rest of the the daymn day. But still its better then Direct NIC

Sonigga an’t spell worth a daymn. But since my first down time I’ve lost my audience so I guess it doesnt make a daymn difference. Ay Kant Sppel. I guess the worst part is tat b2 had a spell checker… but who has time for that.

Had this wierd and fucked up dream last night. I was 8 years old again, still living on Brandywine St up in the Mantua section of West Philly. I was in bed and I turned over and there were spiders webs everywhere. Thick and white like that cheesy ass cotton shit white folks put out for Holloween. Anyway… I’m in bed, covered in webs and they’re are thses two big-ass brown sipders. They got big spider asses which wet dripping pinchers coming out of them. They start coming close and I’m screaming. I’m screaming and yelling for help so loud in the dream that I think I was yelling in my sleep. I woke up drench in sweat, and on my brand new black sheets.